bonus surgery

I love the saying,"there's a light at the end of the tunnel!" It's supposed to bring hope and comfort in dark times, just keep pressing on and eventually you'll be out of this dark spot. 

But sometimes the light is not a hopeful sign. It's a train. Coming full speed ahead, ready to derail you again and again. 

Today my surgeon told me there's possibly more surgery in my near future. Not just like in a few years, but near. Like within two months. And the only reason it's two months is because he's giving my body and team six weeks to get my knee right. 

So yea, that light at the end of the tunnel can go fuck itself. 

Now that I've vented and scared anyone reading this, please know I am not hopeless. I am seeing God move in this darkness every hour of every day.

Three days ago, God brought proverbs 4:20 to my mind. 4:20-23 talks about God's word being healing to the WHOLE body. Health to the body. Not just like..the church body. Sure there's mind healing, spiritual healing, and other healing. But he was full on like, "Mags, full health. Your body's health is also in my word. "

And then two days ago, two dear friends both in the ministry world texted me out of the blue to tell me I was on their mind/heart. I had no idea the day I'd have that day. 

I went to my physical therapy like I usually do. No biggie. But we revisited some popping/tracking issues my knee has been having for the last week or two. 

Before I knew it, I had my therapist, the therapist she reports to, and the therapist that HE reports to asking me to move, bend, and assess me. Three for the price of one is usually a good thing, but as I lay on the table and they try to get my knee to work the way it should, I see the concern in their faces. I'm waiting for the shoe to drop. Music plays in the background (early 2000s pop), people talk and laugh with their therapists, and my world is silent except for a pop.

They tell me we'll relay to the doctor and it's probably a new muscle group that needs more work. 

But I know the face of "oh shit what do we do?" I work in Healthcare. I am that face sometimes. You could be the best poker player, but when you know something isn't right, you know. And unfortunately, sometimes your patients see it. And I saw it. 

I got home and bawled for probably thirty minutes. Hard, heaving sobs. 

I cried some more when my small group topic was on God's gifts to us and how we steward them.

The parable of the talents where one guy makes more talents or money or whatever with what the guy gave him. And the next one was less risky and made less from the talents. The last one took no risks and had no reward. 

I took this big ass risk. Hoping and praying that somehow this surgery would help me in life. I wanna be the cheesy Christian girl and say, "this healing will help me further the lord's kingdom!" But I know me. And while that might be true because this will be one hell of a testimony, I just wanna get through it. I want to heal. I want to move on. 

And maybe this extra-- hell, let's call it a BONUS surgery-- will be the last piece to the puzzle that I call Gina (my right knee).

So that light is coming for me. Still too far away to determine if it's a train or actual daylight (or maybe its a train coming into the tunnel FROM daylight!). But one way or another, I have to keep trucking towards it.