It's Fine

 this is going to be a long one. 

let me start by saying 2022 sucked royally for me. for the first time in my adult life, i was in love with a narcissist that felt like a dream come true. what's that mean? i finally found someone i was attracted to and connected with on more than small talk levels, but when i expressed what i needed from the relationship, he couldn't (read: wouldn't) come through. After six months of planning life with him, i ended things. 

not only did I end things, i decided moving across the country to start a new career as a travel nurse was a good idea. spoiler alert- it was not a good idea.

i serial dated for a couple months before the Lord shook the ground beneath me and shouted STOP as loud as my heart could take. stop dating, stop trying to move, stop. just STOP. so i stopped. i began to heal, i began to lean into Him and trust Him again. 

then i decided i would have major surgery...again. only two years after my first major surgery (gastric bypass), i was going to have a knee surgery that even google didn't know, but i'd have it in 2023 so somehow that made things better because 2022 was over and i could move on. 

nah. the surgery took more time than planned, more technique than planned, and more help than planned. it included an overnight stay for an outpatient procedure. and now it's been six weeks and i still can't walk, but was told originally that around four weeks i would be able to drive. nothing has gone perfectly according to plan. 

but here's the parts that i've been clinging to. 

in december, i went on a retreat with my church. this church believes in the gifts of the spirit and prayer wholeheartedly, which means we believe in healing and transformation through prayer. 

the first session was about pride, i think. and i kept thinking about my ex. i desperately wanted a relationship again that brought me the feels that ours did, but different because ours was not healthy. but that entire 2022 year, i was prideful and thought if "i could just xyz.." i could make my own mountains move. when it was time for prayer, i walked up to the tiniest woman you've ever seen. she introduced herself as Linda. Linda looked all 7 or 8 inches up at me, stared straight into my soul, and asked what god was bringing to my heart. 

i told myself the entire walk to the prayer team i WOULD NOT be that girl that blubbers about how she just wants to be married. i had a speech prepared. my eyes would stay dry. i would not cave. 

what did i say? "I just want to be married and find my partner!" tears streaming and snot bubbling. 

this sweet little woman with eyes bigger than the sky, looked at me with zero judgment, condemnation, or annoyance. i expected verses like "god wants you to give this over to him," "god grants the desires of our hearts," or "god's timing is not our own." a bunch of christian bull shit that we grew up reciting to make ourselves feel better about wanting things. 

but instead she said, "the story of jacob is coming to mind. do you know it? (i knew of it but didn't remember it) jacob wrestled with an angel and god broke his hip!"

stop it right now. this woman just talked about bones breaking and being forced into submission and i was having surgery in less than six weeks where i'd be completely and utterly dependent on everyone but myself. 

she prayed over me, i wept. 

i went back to my seat and i read the story of Jacob and the angel/mysterious being that he wrestled with. to summarize, jacob wanted a specific blessing from this being. and they started to wrestle.  they wrestled all night and finally the being "touched" his hip and jacob couldn't move. most believe this means his hip was dislocated or broken. and the creature told him he did not have to wrestle/strive for a blessing and he would forever walk with a limp as a symbol of this struggle. 

well shit. that's me in a nutshell. i was struggling with god to receive the blessing of a partner/spouse/husband and he's like dude. stop. here's a giant knee surgery that like 3 people have had and it's gonna lay you up so badly you won't know what happened. 

and he was right. i don't know what happened. even as a nurse it is impossible for me to fully comprehend the surgery that i had done. but what it has helped me to do is rest. rest in god. rest on the couch. rest my mind. rest my body. rest my soul. trust that the people in my life are going to do as they say they will. trust that God has my back.

fast forward six weeks and here we are. i went on a date the other night with a great guy. but he's not THE guy. i could see our life together. we'd date, i'd become comfortable with him. in 6 months to a year he'd ask me to marry him. i'd say sure, that's fine. and we'd live a completely mediocre life. 

do you know what the bible says about mediocre? that it's literally the most unappetizing thing on the menu. that if god tasted the lukewarmth of your attitude, he'd spit/vomit/violently get rid of it. (there's a lot of significance as to why room temp water was used as an example here in revelation 3, but the main point is understand in those times hot and cold water had actual purpose and lukewarm was not used...though i often drink lukewarm water now for taste preference, as do others. )

and then as i was processing this debacle of wanting more than i had, my friend tells me it's normal for a christian to want more. well duh! the bible talks ALL ABOUT god giving us more. more than we deserve, more than we need, more than we ever thought possible. 

does that mean that guy is mediocre? no. not at all. he is a wonderful human full of potential and life. but not for me. 

and all that means is that i am a stronger than average, smarter than average, and more independent than average woman in the area i live. my standards are high. not just higher, but high. straight up in the clouds barely distinguishable by the naked eye. 

i can't do "fine." i can't do "enough." god has anointed me and purposed me for much more than enough. i was not made to sit complacently. i was made for motion. i was made to run wild and free (ask about my tattoo that represents that haha). 

in 2017 when i was praying about my "what next" after a difficult rejection from a program i wanted to attend, god told me, "I have so much more for you."

and when i ask him about my ex, he says, "I have so much more for you."

and when I ask him about my future spouse, he slowly and emphatically states,"I'm not done with him."

which, to be fair, i take a lot of preparation. i know i'm a full load, i take great pride in that. i don't hold back. i go all in if i'm in, and all out if i'm out. there's no in-between. there's no "it's fine." there never has been. 

ever since i accepted jesus into my heart when i was 15, it's been all or nothing. go big or go home. and, if you know me, you know i hate being at home. 

this is mostly a journal entry for myself so i can remember. but also, it's relatable and sharable. 

maybe you're feeling "fine" but know you need or want more. here's your  "sign" to go for more. 

god LITERALLY tells us over and over again in scripture that he has purposed us for more than we could ever imagine. 

maybe one day i'll go back and give you the verses that go with this blog. there's a lot of them. but for now, know that the cute little teddy bear cartoon where Jesus holds the big bear behind his back and asks for the little kid to give him the smaller bear but the little kid says 'but i love him' and holds onto it, that's where i am. 

slowly releasing my teddy bear to god. i want to do it faster than this, but as god has literally forced me to accept, sometimes things are slow. and sometimes slow and steady is safer, better, and healing.