My Will

I'm the kind of stubborn that is described in mythology. I swear I am. I dig my heals in. I fight hard. I was named after an amazingly stubborn woman. Her family's animal on their crest was a warthog representing their stubbornness. 

Another way to say stubborn is "strong willed." We use it to describe children that have to try things their own way before learning the way of wisdom. 

This was me. In a lot of areas and throughout life. I do things the hardest way possible first, and then find I could have saved myself money, hardship, and excess work if i had listened to or even asked for wisdom. 

But that will has gotten me through some incredibly tough times. 

And right now, I can't just will myself through this recovery. 

I need God's will. Which sucks because I'm stubborn and controlling and don't want to wait for him to heal me. 

If I could will anything to just be done, this knee would be better. The complications would disappear. I'd be able to also teleport to beautiful places. 

But thats why God didn't give me the power of his will. He knew I'd need to depend on it entirely throughout this life. I just didn't know how hard this season would be and just how much I'd have to learn dependency on him. 

But that was probably his plan right? Just like when you pray for patience and then the interstate becomes grid lock in the middle of the day on a Tuesday when you're on lunch break....

The strong willed will be shown that their will is not bigger than God's. 

So right now. In this flighty and awkward entry, I'm asking for Your will, lord. Not mine. 

There's this song that comes up a lot for me when I'm hurting. And I know it's God yelling at me to give him the reigns and let his will be done. It's stronger than mine. I know that...but practicing that belief is a whole other story.

"I'm so confused

I know I heard you loud and clear

So, I followed through

Somehow I ended up here

I don't wanna think

I may never understand

That my broken heart is a part of your plan

When I try to pray

All I've got is hurt and these four words

Thy will be done

Thy will be done

Thy will be done

I know you're good

But this don't feel good right now

And I know you think

Of things I could never think about

It's hard to count it all joy

Distracted by the noise

Just trying to make sense

Of all your promises

Sometimes I gotta stop

Remember that you're God

And I am not

So

Thy will be done

Thy will be done

Thy will be done

Like a child on my knees all that comes to me is

Thy will be done

Thy will be done

Thy will

I know you see me

I know you hear me, Lord

Your plans are for me

Goodness you have in store

I know you hear me

I know you see me, Lord

Your plans are for me

Goodness you have in store

So

Thy will be done

Thy will be done

Thy will be done

Like a child on my knees all that comes to me is

Thy will be done

Thy will be done

Thy will be done

I know you see me

I know you hear me, Lord"

https://youtu.be/iCR_Fa8YV2U